It takes time, there's no quick or magical fix.

I learnt a long time ago that you can try and party away your pain and change your hair colour, but you can't escape yourself as much as you'd like to. Heaven knows I'm trying to escape myself at the moment.

And the thing is, I know I lead a charmed life, that I'm luckier than most. My 'rents reproach me for complaining, ask what more could I possibly want from life when I seemingly have everything. I go on holiday 3-4 times a year, I can indulge my love for top-price theatre tickets, champagne and dining out every night, and I've never known what it's like to want something material - if I want something, I'll go out and buy it. I'm clever, creative and can write up a storm. I'm loyal, funny, can eat what I want and still stay skinny, and I'm not likely to be mistaken for Quasimodo's sister.

But, I've quite often been told - semi-unfairly, I'd like to point out - that the "real world" isn't what my life is like, that people let me get away with blue murder and that, basically, I'm spoilt. Yes, I agree, that on the surface things seem well for me. That the perception I put out there is one of a charmed life and, to some extent, I can't deny these accusations.

The trouble is though, that's just the surface. It's the pretence I lead to try and get through being plagued with a depression that's always been there. Mostly I can rein it in, but of late I've not been able to, and I'm spiralling into the funk I experienced back in 2006 when it was one thing after another - too much for anyone to cope with. Which means it's not just been the low mood, it's been the lack of sleep as my insomnia has also made its return. I'm cranky, can't keep my anger in check and I quite often lash out at those I love. On a day-to-day basis, I can keep it together - function at work, go through the motions - but there's a weariness that I'm battling at the moment that seems uncontrollable at times.

There are two types of people in this world when it comes to depression. There are those who understand, who realise there's a little voice there in your head when you're low or lashing out that tells you that what you're doing needs to stop, but they realise - like you do - that you can't control this overwhelming emotion as much as that little voice tries to make itself heard. They are the people who support you. They don't make you feel that you can't talk to them about it or make you feel that the depression you have is a stigma - yes, even in today's world with the proliferation of mass media portraying depression in the way it does, it can still feel like a stigma to admit to being depressed. I'm not talking feeling low - everyone feels low from time to time - I'm talking depression. There really is a difference.

And then there's those who have never seen a loved one crumble, who don't get it, who think by telling you to "snap out of it" that you can because it's *that* easy to do so.Why on earth didn't I think of *snapping* out of it before?! My goodness, *thanks* for that valuable input, I'm cured! Feelings when it comes to depression are like a broken dam - once that barrier breaks down, you can't stop them flooding out. As much as you desperately try to fix that broken barrier, or hear that little voice telling you to overcome this, it feels like a seemingly impossible task.

It takes time, there's no quick or magical fix, and you worry that by admitting something like this that it will impact on your relationships, your friendships, or possibly even your future career in a world where employers Google potential employees. Not to mention how it *personally* impacts and skewers your thoughts.

Well, do you know what, I'm only human. I said in January, and I will keep reiterating this:

To err is human, to forgive divine. We all make mistakes. But it's picking ourselves up from them, forgiving ourselves and moving on, that's what matters.

I accept this, and in accepting this, I accept that I am human. That there are the bad parts to me as much as there are the good parts, and that those people who only want or "accept" you when you're "playing perfect", well, they really aren't people worthy of your time or love.

I will get through this again, taking the rough with the smooth, but I know that there is no quick or magical fix, as much as we'd all like there to be. If I can accept this in a society which encourages us to be perfect and to not show our weaknesses - even if by doing so we're living a lie - then, perhaps, one day, we should all be able to accept this. I'd like to think so anyway. Thank you for reading. xoxo