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It takes time, there's no quick or magical fix.

I learnt a long time ago that you can try and party away your pain and change your hair colour, but you can't escape yourself as much as you'd like to. Heaven knows I'm trying to escape myself at the moment.

And the thing is, I know I lead a charmed life, that I'm luckier than most. My 'rents reproach me for complaining, ask what more could I possibly want from life when I seemingly have everything. I go on holiday 3-4 times a year, I can indulge my love for top-price theatre tickets, champagne and dining out every night, and I've never known what it's like to want something material - if I want something, I'll go out and buy it. I'm clever, creative and can write up a storm. I'm loyal, funny, can eat what I want and still stay skinny, and I'm not likely to be mistaken for Quasimodo's sister.

But, I've quite often been told - semi-unfairly, I'd like to point out - that the "real world" isn't what my life is like, that people let me get away with blue murder and that, basically, I'm spoilt. Yes, I agree, that on the surface things seem well for me. That the perception I put out there is one of a charmed life and, to some extent, I can't deny these accusations.

The trouble is though, that's just the surface. It's the pretence I lead to try and get through being plagued with a depression that's always been there. Mostly I can rein it in, but of late I've not been able to, and I'm spiralling into the funk I experienced back in 2006 when it was one thing after another - too much for anyone to cope with. Which means it's not just been the low mood, it's been the lack of sleep as my insomnia has also made its return. I'm cranky, can't keep my anger in check and I quite often lash out at those I love. On a day-to-day basis, I can keep it together - function at work, go through the motions - but there's a weariness that I'm battling at the moment that seems uncontrollable at times.

There are two types of people in this world when it comes to depression. There are those who understand, who realise there's a little voice there in your head when you're low or lashing out that tells you that what you're doing needs to stop, but they realise - like you do - that you can't control this overwhelming emotion as much as that little voice tries to make itself heard. They are the people who support you. They don't make you feel that you can't talk to them about it or make you feel that the depression you have is a stigma - yes, even in today's world with the proliferation of mass media portraying depression in the way it does, it can still feel like a stigma to admit to being depressed. I'm not talking feeling low - everyone feels low from time to time - I'm talking depression. There really is a difference.

And then there's those who have never seen a loved one crumble, who don't get it, who think by telling you to "snap out of it" that you can because it's *that* easy to do so.Why on earth didn't I think of *snapping* out of it before?! My goodness, *thanks* for that valuable input, I'm cured! Feelings when it comes to depression are like a broken dam - once that barrier breaks down, you can't stop them flooding out. As much as you desperately try to fix that broken barrier, or hear that little voice telling you to overcome this, it feels like a seemingly impossible task.

It takes time, there's no quick or magical fix, and you worry that by admitting something like this that it will impact on your relationships, your friendships, or possibly even your future career in a world where employers Google potential employees. Not to mention how it *personally* impacts and skewers your thoughts.

Well, do you know what, I'm only human. I said in January, and I will keep reiterating this:

To err is human, to forgive divine. We all make mistakes. But it's picking ourselves up from them, forgiving ourselves and moving on, that's what matters.

I accept this, and in accepting this, I accept that I am human. That there are the bad parts to me as much as there are the good parts, and that those people who only want or "accept" you when you're "playing perfect", well, they really aren't people worthy of your time or love.

I will get through this again, taking the rough with the smooth, but I know that there is no quick or magical fix, as much as we'd all like there to be. If I can accept this in a society which encourages us to be perfect and to not show our weaknesses - even if by doing so we're living a lie - then, perhaps, one day, we should all be able to accept this. I'd like to think so anyway. Thank you for reading. xoxo

4 comments:

  1. Yeah, I can empathise with a lot of this. There is NO quick fix and people who tell you to "snap out of it" have no clue what it's like to suffer from depression.

    I hate that there's still such a stigma attached to depression even though I'm sure about 80% of the people I know have suffered from depression (to different extents) at some point in their lives.

    *hugs* to you, lass. xx

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  2. For ages I was a didn’t get it person. I had two friends who had depression – one didn’t really show it – he was a goth and arty type and for a while we thought he was just being dramatic for his art kinda thing, until he threatened to cut his wrists. The second again I didn’t get it, he’d text me saying that he’d spent another night in the waiting area at A+E because he didn’t want to go home in case he hurt himself.
    Then I had an incident and I got it – a friend of mine had had depression for a little while he seemed to fit it and kinda try and deal with it in his own way – he’d been trying to get help but his GP kept saying that he was just down and it would pass (helpful – NOT!). Having been there stood on the multi storey car park top floor with my friend talking him down I got it, somehow it all fell into place. It was surreal and like an episode of Casualty.
    Have you been to your GP to see if they can help at all? I know it won’t fix everything and if they do give you pills it’ll take a little while to get used to them but it’s somewhere to start if it gets bad right? I do agree that there is still a stigma attached – both to depression and to mental health issues as a whole.
    “Faulty” – that’s a pants word! What makes you think you are faulty? (sorry that probably came out the wrong way like a telling off rather than a enquiry) Each of us is different. I know I will never be a size 0 supermodel lol. I’m 5 ft 2 and a bit, I would rather wear my DMs then high heels – even for a night out! I’m overweight and a size 16 (I lost 2 kg in the last few weeks but I think I put it back on again by eating BBQ food and birthday cake yesterday lol). “It takes allsorts to make a world” if we all looked the same life would be really boring – be you! You’re fab sweetie :) Love you to bits! (And can’t wait to meet you in person one day!)

    Sorry epic comment!

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  3. I agree with Han, i don't think suffering from depression makes you faulty. it's another facet of your personality that needs more careful managing than some others that's all it is. Depression is hard, it's all encompassing sometimes but you can and will fight through the bad times to understand yourself better and understand that good times are just out there waiting for you to grab them when you're feeling better.

    Love you lady x

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  4. Great post. I hope you feel better soon. Big hugs. x

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